I have PTSD there is no cure yet but I can and will be treated for it. I have triggers and I will teach them to you as I figure them out myself. I know you did not ask for this but either did I, together maybe we can work it out. I have issues with trust that have nothing to do with you, please stand by me anyway.
I have issues with anger that you can’t believe, but I can learn to control my reactions. I can have a tendency to self medicate with alcohol and drugs because they help me escape. I feel like a ticking time bomb and would never want or mean to hurt you or our kids. I will learn to gauge my triggers so I can better control my frustration, rage and anger.
I will stay busy, because free time and worry exacerbate my PTSD symptoms. I will never forget the trauma I have been through, but I want to go forward with my life. I realize that even good and bad stress is a trigger, so stress is something we will try to avoid. I know that the anniversary of my trauma will always cause a rise in my PTSD symptoms.
I hold in a lot of anger, so sometimes I take things out on the wrong people, my loved ones. I know my anger can go from A-Z immediately without any kind of warning for you. I especially dread holidays, they are reminders, but with time this dread will be lessoned. I may be diagnosed with PTSD but that doesn’t make my flashbacks or hallucinations go away.
I have a lot of fear I try hard not to show, one of my greatest fears is dying soon or right away. I do know that once a fear is conquered it loses its power to hurt or haunt me anymore. I have a lot of anxiety all of the time, it is very hard for me to ever totally relax. I do know when my anxiety levels increase my PTSD symptoms are on the rise, I may need help.
I have intimacy issues because I feel like the people I care about always die or leave in the end. I don’t want to get close to anyone because I don’t want to lose anyone else that I love. I have a lot of guilt about things I have had to do, also because I did not die and I survived. I share these things as a peace offering of the things I cannot change but am willing to work on.
If my alcohol and drug abuse start getting out of hand, I will need professional help. If I can not learn to control my addiction to adrenaline, I will end up in trouble or jail. If I don’t try and explain this to you, how can I expect you to understand. If I face that I have PTSD and do all I can to help myself that means PTSD does not have me.
by: Debbie M. Wilson